Kiryu drops the splintered chair he’s been holding in his white-knuckled grip. Around him dozens of badly-beaten yakuza groan in pain. Turning, he sees a group of adorable small children approaching. “Kiryu-San” they cry in unison, “Why did you beat up our papa(s)? Our families will surely starve tonight!” Kiryu’s expression softens. He proceeds to spend the next two in-game weeks winning them toys in the claw game.”
Nathan slides recklessly down the muddy embankment firing RPGs at hordes of nameless Euro-military types. “Hey I just met you,” he bellows at Elena over the explosive rattle of gun fire. “This is crazy!” Elena responds as she backflips onto a jet ski while filming the whole scene through her camcorder. “Well, here’s my number.” Nate tosses a live grenade with his digits sprayed on at a group of baddies running off with the treasure. “Call it a perfect 10 maybe”: Every game publication on Earth.
Enemy fire peppers the hull from all directions. “our Love Shields are down to 33%, Captain!” shouts the first mate from below decks. I jump on the rudder and swing wildly to starboard. All of a sudden fisticuffs cloud my vision and the first ma- “wait, who made you the captain?”
“Well, I’m better at steering”
“Arguably guns are more important”
We explode into a thousand starbursts of cosmic love, tinged with the sourness of a married couple’s bickering.
Other games discussed: Fallout 4, Bloodborne, Splatoon
Angela Burnes walks over to the stereo and pulls a vinyl from its sleeve. “Two5Six Conference Discussion,” it reads. She pops it on the platter and lowers the needle: *record scratch sound effect* *record erupts in flames* “Guess we’re not covering Two5Six this episode then,” Angela mutters to herself before heading to the elevator.
Other games discussed: Sunset, Bayonetta, GTAV, Xenoblade Chronicles, Witcher 3
Waking up to blinding sunlight and phosphorescent glitches you are accosted by a booming paternalistic voice which subsequently commands you to collect every achievement in site. The booming voice then winks somehow, “gotcha, video games!” it intones.
Other games discussed: Grow Home, Monster Hunter 4
Creeping despair threatens to overwhelm your burning nihilistic rage. You walk up to an unsuspecting guard and leap at him silently, ready to eliminate another threat. Unfortunately, he turns just as you raise your hand to strike and grapples you into mortal combat – which involves stabbing each other repeatedly in the neck for an absurd amount of time. Welcome to Wolfenstein.
Other games discussed: Red Dead Redemption, Dishonored, Super Smash Brothers, Animal Crossing, Shovel Knight.